just came back from a youth camp in Port Dickson last week. organised by the same youths from ipoh from their interschool christian fellowship. i must say that God is awesome, God is real and God is good!

it's amazing how many of the youths who came back again for this camp have changed. they are transformed and they've changed so much, for the better. it's a great feeling to reconnect with old friends again, especially when you return to see that they've grown much in The Lord. i don't how to describe the feeling to you lah, but hope you know what i mean lah. many had also took up leadership positions in this camp and i must say that i'm impressed with them. not just solely their leadership skills but more of their heart for God and His people. well guys, just bear in mind that many of these youths don't have a youth ministry in their church let alone good shepherds. hence, i believe God has indeed shepherd these precious ones on his own and kept their fire burning for Him. moreover, it's amazing that this year's sessions and worship is so different from last year's, God's presence is just so tangible.

i thank God that He has done a new work in me through this trip. i really needed a breakthrough and God was merciful to give me that breakthrough. just when i thought i couldn't do ministry anymore coz i've sorta loss the hang of it, i thank God that He first came to minister to me before teaching me to minister to others. looking at these youths, they've taught me how to run the race through their lives, their passion and their transformation in Jesus. i always felt very blessed whenever i go to these youths, it's an indescribable feeling...

some youths asked me whether Jesus will forgive them for what they've done, their eyes filled with tears as they talked to me, as if they've reached a dead end in their lives and so wanna get out of the trap they've gotten into. some youths asked whether it's worth it for Jesus to do a new work in them because they think even if they're set free now, they won't be able to make it after the camp. i told them that's lies from the enemy, very sick lies. that they can receive forgiveness umpteen times and they will make it to the end of the race with Jesus. it's great to later see the very same youths go through deliverance and telling us that they won't give up till they've been set free. these very same youths go home loving Jesus and are thankful for what He has done in the short 4 days.

there are also fun side of the trip. for example, alvin lost his way and aren't sure how to get to Banting. he drove lillian and william up to KL and circled round the same spot 7 times and took 9 hours! later on when people ask how long it takes for us to travel from singapore to banting, we say it depends lah, minimum 6 hours but if you lost your way and drive all the way to KL and circle round it 7 times, it takes you 9 hours, haha! the food there's yummy, had seafood twice for two consecutive nights it was awesome. had a lot of fun making fun of shaun(from ipoh), one of the campers. coz he's the camp discipline master, he made sure the camp runs in tip top discipline. hence his fav phrases are "line up in order, if not deduct your team's points" "keep quiet or i cut your ears with shears!" don't know where he get that phrase from but it's funny lah, so we just laugh lor. but this guy has transformed so much in the past year, we're amazed at the change we see in him! Praise God!

there are so many things God has done in this trip, so many people we've met, so many fun stuff we've experienced, so much food that we've ate(oops!) and so many more stories to tell, it'll take me another two more blog entries at least to tell it all. really wanna thank God coz He's great and He's done so much in those lives in the few days, only He can do it alone.

lastly, looking at the passion in the people i've met, i really wanna continue running this race for The Lord, may the apostle Paul's following words be the finishing words at the end of my race "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith."2Timothy4:7 dear friends, may these words be on your lips too when you see our dear Lord Jesus at the finishing line. keep your faith, keep your passion, keep burning for Jesus.

indeed, it's been a wonderful december. it's great coz not only did i have a restful christmas, i had a great time of gatherings - all spread out across december, meet up with old friends and old classmates.

i forgot when was the last christmas that was stress-free. for the last few christmases, i was so busy doing stuff either for the church or getting gifts from all over the place, i'll usually end up sick. sian. imagine being sick during the christmas period, cannot eat lor. this year's christmas is perfect, not having to lift my finger on anything, just sitting there and relax. got to go out with friends, catch up with pals and listen to sermon, just being a participant in everything. the important reason why this christmas is fantabulous is coz my long-time close pal since poly days have accepted Christ as her Lord and Saviour! woohoo! no other better reasons to rejoice than to see my great pal receive the gift of salvation. it's great coz i believe God's starting to work in the hearts of my other friends and this is just the beginning, what a great gift God has given me for Christmas 2008. another reason for celebrating christmas this year is the fact that i got to hang out with both my sisters, feasting, exercising and swimming together. it's my prayer this year that i'll be more relational to them and that God will move in our relationship, i'm glad He did. i really enjoyed the time spent with them and pray for more of such opportunities in the years to come. thank God for bringing me from one place to another to eat. it's my pleasure and enjoyment in eating, whether they're high class, top quality food or not so high class, hawker standard but still edible food. thank God for the ability to eat and enjoy eating, thank God that He brought me to places, to know people and give me very good food, these top quality yummies that i'll never afford with my own pocket.

this december is really great coz i got to meet up with so many old friends and ex-classmates on separate occasions. i've not seen these people for 3-4 years and yet God brought them before my eyes to let me see that He's indeed a God who will shepherd His own sheep, He's a God who's the author and finisher of faith, a God who listens prayers. thank God for letting me meet my old old church friends once again, and letting me see them grow and loving God more and more, wow thank you God. also i thought i'll never see my old jc friends after all these years, for a period of time i regretted not keeping contact with those closer friends, i thought i'll never be given the opportunity to share the gospel with them, their souls became my burden. and i was so so glad to meet up with them again, i thank God that He has allowed me a second chance to share with them the gift of salvation.

well, year 2008 has really been another year. it was really a tough one. when december came, i was wondering to myself: "it's not possible for year 2008 to end peacefully for me, there'll be something, just something that will jerk me out of my seat once again" indeed it was, in the midst of the peacefulness, something really happened and year 2008 really ended with a "bang" for me! haha, i can laugh it off, coz God's promises will never fail me. He has seen me through so much, He can do it again. haha, thank God that He reigns, His peace is my guard. haha, thank God that He count me worthy to be tested over and over again. but nothing has filled my heart more than God's heartbeat for the lost. many say that year 2009 will be tougher but there's no adversity as far as i can see, coz all things are made possible by the Lord. in the past years, i was never ready to embark on a brand new year but here and now, i'm more than ready to start off year 2009, not with glory nor riches, but with vision and passion for the Lord.

before i began my journey as an occupational therapist, i've never really understood why God allow christians to be struck by terrible illnesses such as stroke, spinal cord injury, or be born deaf, blind, or without limbs. the only possible reason that had crossed my mind was, God has allowed them to suffer coz it seems pretty fair that christians, who are very much flesh and blood, with sin ingrain in us, suffer the consequences just like non-christians. just coz God's fair, that's all.

till i've started working and began to see christians being struck with illnesses of all kinds and how they've overcomed and live above themselves, being a great testimony to non-christians, then i understood the reason why God allowed His children to go through the pain of being sick. you see, it's not convincing to spread the gospel to a sick non-christian when you're well and healthy, very much alive and kicking. it's not real to them. they'll think "ai ya, you are so well, no sickness, of course your God is good. look at me, i'm suffering from stroke and you'll never know how i feel, your God is not fair!" but when you're in their shoes, you're stuck with some kinda sickness or better still, if you're worse off than them physically but you radiate God's joy with every ounce of your being, believe me, the gospel becomes very real. i've got a couple of patients who are the more jialat cases amongst all other patients, and when you look at them, they and their family members never fail to smile. you won't be able to catch them down and despondant, they're living above their physical condtions and manifesting God's love, joy and liveliness ooze out of them. wow, what a great testimony!

now that i've realized the reason behind christians being sick, i feel like i've got a glimpse of Jesus' heartbeat for the sick. non-christians see the testimony too. they say "this christian ah, physically more jialat than me, but they still praise their God leh..." my friend who just had cancer and went for radiotherapy said it's so easy to talk to patients at the clinic. there are no walls when you talked to them coz everybody knows that they're in the same boat! what a great way to evangelize! with no wall, no defense and all are ready to hear the gospel. so, i realised that it's not that God's not fair, but God knows that in whatever state His children are in, they will always be in His hands. and if we're in His hands, we can never be worse off than unbelievers who hasn't known Christ and does not have the everlasting hope and faith of Jesus.

so, it's great to hear christians praising the name of Jesus, dancing and singing His song. but isn't it more beautiful to hear the praises of christians who've suffered? christians who've overcome situations of any kind, lliving above their circumstances and still loving the Lord with all their hearts, minds, soul and strength. wow, great to see their smiles and testimonies that honour Christ. yes, it is indeed more beautiful =)

my colleague's patient came in on wednesday and had a depression relapse. this guy had spinal cord injury for 2 years plus and depression for quite some time but refused taking anti-depressants. so he came in, cried for awhile and recomposed himself. just so that the doctor came over to our place for a meeting and when this guy saw the doc, he broke down again. have you ever heard a grown man cry? it sounds terrible. and this grown man cried with such hopelessness and desperation coz three doctors on separate occasions told him that he'll never walk again... oh man....

later on in the afternoon, another of my colleague's patient, who got a stroke a couple of years back, came in grouchily and told us that she attempted suicide. she climbed to the 24th floor but didn't jump coz she couldn't put her leg(the paralyzed leg due to stroke) over the wall. we didn't know to cry or to laugh when we heard that. somehow we're thankful that we didn't teach patients to climb over obstacles, walls with their affected leg. many would have jumped then, we wouldn't have been able to see her again.

on thursday, my patient who's got a stroke broke down in front of me. she finally shared the reasons why she wanted so badly to look "normal" again. she experienced stigma from her neighbours coz of her stroke and their ignorance. she was helpless and desperate. so am i. i was at a lost for words, i've done all that i could in the past few months to encourage her, push her on and kept reassuring her. i was tired, every ounce of me was already squeezed dry by her stress, her relentless and never-ending questions. "when will i look normal?" "when will i be able to move my fingers like that?" "when will i...?" "when will i...?" i'm choked by all the "when will i...?" so finally, in my desperation, i told her "let's pray" knowing that she's already a christian. so as i prayed over her, she was still crying and crying.

that day i went home and cried out to the Lord, primarily because i've got a glimpse of the great need of this society and i've heard some desperate cries from some people in this generation. can you hear the cries of this generation? wherever you are and whatever you're doing, have you seen the cracks in our society that the Lord so badly wants to reach? i went home with a different mission that day, mindsets were broken and transformed, i looked at my job with a 180deg different perspective. it's no longer a 8am to 5pm job, it's me serving the Lord. i believe God's light shines the brightest when it's the darkest. things are so dark, so hopeless for all those patients, perhaps now is the time God wants to shine through. so i pray that God will shine through me, i've been imperfect in so many ways, but now i really wanna tell all around me that i'm a christian, proclaim the Lord's goodness over me and bring the gospel into their lives with actions, with an impact. their pain is deep, so great is the need. i know that i've gotta rise up, no longer be stuck in my comfort zone in order to reach out to those who truly needs someone to give them hope and lift up their spirits. so please pray for me, because i cannot love and carry on with my own strength. pray for the patients, that they'll know the real hope, the real joy through Jesus Christ despite their disabilities.

I've got a new patient recently, and i see him every wednesday. He comes with his wife and maid every session. He's a dependent case aka very jialat and have to rely on people for everything. So he came on wednesday as usual and while we were transferring him to another bed, his wife held him and transferred him. I think she's not supposed to coz she might be unwell herself, maybe some kinda back pain i guess. coz when she carried him, she whispered in his ears "i'm not supposed to do this dear(carry him), but anything for you darling." When i heard those words, i felt very touched, it simply melted my heart. Here's a wife who's unwell herself, but she's willing to go all out for her husband. It's love summed up in four simple words -"anything for you darling". In that moment i got a glimpse of unconditional love.

I don't think i can ever fully understand the kinda love of a parent/spouse/family member of a disabled person. It takes more understanding, love and capacity than what a normal person has.The love for a disabled person is sacrificial, being in my line, i've seen it again and again. How parents are willing to spend money on their disabled kids on whatever devices that can help the kid achieve any little improvement, spouses that give up their comfort and time to look after their disabled spouse and children who're still schooling. Such love is great.

It gives me a glimpse of Daddy God, how He must have looked down from heaven above so many times and He must have said "anything for you darling". I wonder... so many times i've been crippled and trapped in my sins, so many times i've let Him down but His love for me is still the same. Far greater than the love of a sacrificial human being. wow.

So the four simple words sums up love all in all. Very simple, but very meaningful. Very plain, but it melts my heart. Till now, whenever i recall the scene on wednesday, i still feel very touched. "anything for you darling". wow.

At the end of time, billions of people were
scattered on a great plain before God's
throne. Some of the groups near the front
talked heatedly, not cringing with shame
but with belligerence.

"How can God judge us? How can He
know about suffering?" snapped a joking
brunette. She jerked back a sleeve to reveal
a tattooed number from a Nazi concentration
camp. "We endured terror, beatings,
torture, death."

In another group, a black man lowered his
collar. "What about this?" he demanded,
showing an ugly rope burn. "Lynched for
no crime but being black! We've suffocated
in slave ships, been wrenched from loved
ones, toiled till only death gave relief."

Far out across the plain were hundreds of
such groups. Each one had a complaint
against God for the evil and suffering
being permitted in this world.

How lucky God was to live in Heaven,
where all was sweetness and light, where
there was no weeping, no fear, no hunger,
no hatred. Indeed, what did God know
about what man had been forced to
endure in this world? "After all, God leads
a pretty sheltered life," they said.

So each group sent out a leader, chosen
because he had suffered the most. There
was a Jew, a black, an untouchable from
India, an illegitimate, a person from
Hiroshima and one from a Siberian slave
camp. In the center of the plain, they
consulted with each other. At last, they were
ready to present their case.

It was rather simple: Before God would be
qualified to be their judge, He must endure
what they had endured. Their decision was
that God should be sentenced to live on
earth as a man.

But because He was God, they set certain
safeguards to be sure He could not use His
divine powers to help Himself:

Let Him be born a Jew.

Let the legitimacy of His birth be doubted
so that none will know who is really His father.

Let Him champion a cause so just but so
radical that it brought down upon Him the
hate, condemnation and eliminating
efforts of every major traditional and
established religious authority.

Let Him try to describe what no man has
ever seen, tasted, heard or smelled. Let
Him try to communicate God to men.

Let Him be betrayed by His dearest friends.
Let Him be indicted on false charges and
tried before a prejudiced jury and convicted
by a cowardly judge.

Let Him see what it is to be terribly alone,
completely abandoned by every living
thing. Let Him be tortured, and let Him
die the most humiliating death with
common thieves.

As each leader announced his portion of
the sentence, loud murmurs of approval
went up from the great throng of people.

When the last had finished pronouncing
sentence, there was a long silence. No one
uttered another word. No one moved.
For suddenly, all knew---God had already
served His sentence

From "Right On", by Christian Liberation, Berkeley, California (in "Making Jesus Lord" by Loren Cunningham)

F1 came and went, it's over. Now that it's raced past us, i presume it'll leave many F1 fans empty. After all the months of anticipation, participation for some, the one event that they've been hungering for is now gone. like the olympics, it came and went leaving many chinese nationals empty, i wonder whether it produced the same effect in the F1 fans. F1 Singapore night race... the heat's now over and the thrill's gone. so, what are you hungering after? many hunger after events, they run after activities to find some kinda satisfaction. honestly, i became some sorta F1 fan after watching one race. the speed, vroom vroom, the thrill, the unexpected twists of events in that 61 laps, 2hrs race captivated me for that moment. but when it's over, i realized that just like that, it's really over. the fun evaporated, and suddenly it's like a big bubble burst leaving you with a funny feeling.

i thank God that i found one thing that truly satisfies, one thing that's worth hungering after and won't leave you empty. i thank Jesus that He didn't vroom vroom into my life and leave just like that. sure thing, Jesus' coming is bigger that all F1 can produce and is more than all the smoke, cheers and parties. it is better than all that the world can imagine and has ever experienced. so, what are you hungering for? "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled" (Matt5:6) i choose to hunger for what truly can fill me.

some people say that raining makes a person feel blue. well, it's been raining this period of time for the past few weeks... maybe the rain has caught up with me, the rain's done something unexplainable to me i guess. i've thought much, i've thought through a lot in the past few weeks. some things which mattered a lot to me in the past doesn't matter much anymore. some people who mattered a lot to me in the past doesn't matter much anymore. they aren't that significant anymore. i thought i mattered a lot to them, but not so. so if that's the case, why should i keep a special place for them/those things? my capacity's quite small, it ain't as big as i thought. there's only enough space for what really matters and whom i matter to. oh well, i've decided, some things are no longer significant/important in my life. it's easier this way, really, easier this way...

I was having a little chat with God yesterday about worship and i was just talking to God about what i felt about corporate worship and just suddenly this thought crossed my mind "worship is not massive karaoke" i was like, "oh well God, what do You mean?" i thought, as we've always been taught, that God dwells in the midst of His children's praises? Doesn't God desires the praises of His church, His body? i felt that God said He sees the hands that are lifted up, hears the voices that are raised but few are the hearts that really draws near to Him. In fact, amidst the congregation of worshippers, He's asking where are the hearts that desires Him and are drawn to Him?

If we lift up our voices and hands in worship but our hearts are far away, we are no more than an empty shell. Our "worship" together is nothing more than a massive karaoke. We don't have to compete with our neighbours to see whose hands are higher, whose voice is louder, God sees the heart that is lifted up to Him. He's not looking for beautiful voices, superstars. He's looking for a true worshipper, one who worships as king David did.

we continued this little conversation this afternoon and i felt that God said He's looking for a worshipper who's willing to be stripped away from all externalities. God looks beyond the drummers, the guitarist, the keyboardist etc and looks right into our hearts. How will we worship God when there's no instruments? can we survive without any instruments at all? God told me to look at how Paul and Silas worshipped Him in Acts, when they were imprisoned and they've got no instruments. So i looked into Acts 26:25 where it says "But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them" and we know the rest of the story. That's powerful worship! Singing during adversity without instruments, without ra ra-ing by the worship leader, without nothing! i want that kinda worship, where's it's simply my heart connecting to God's heart without any fanfare.

May we be constantly strip off our externalities, our masks as we grow as true worshippers of Jesus, may our corporate worship never be superficial and shallow, may it never ever stay/be reduced to massive karaoke. And when God says, "Where's my people, whom praises and worship I delight in, whose hearts I can dwell in?", may we be the ones who can humbly lift up our hands and say "Here i am, my heart is Yours Lord" Let worship be a dedication of our hearts and souls.

Everyday i live i know You are my God
I lift my face and look to you my Lord
Even when the moutains tremble
And a thousand fall
I will stand with You my Jesus
Take my all

(part of a song by City Harvest church =)



Thanks for the "Messages in a bottle". i savour every word, every alphabet that's written on the little notes, knowing that they carry your sincerity, your love.







well, i can't thank you enough as well, for letting me enter into each and every one of your life and allowing me to journey through your adventures in life. thanks for those times of joy, pain and sorrow as well =) times like that pull us closer together yea?

Dear POWER M&M!-ers, don't go back to your old rut. Remember that our Lord Jesus died for us on the cross not for us to go back to our old sins, but to move on with Him in holiness and purity. Like i've said and i'll say it again, Christ pulled you out from the pit of hell to show you His mercy, He picked you up from the street as an orphan and place you in His family as His child to show you His grace and He draw you into His arms and cradle you with His loving hands to show you His love. Remember the convictions that God has placed into your life and nail it in deeper into the core of your heart everyday, so that you'll never forget what He has done for you on the cross. It was great to see how God has transformed some of you guys in the past 3 years, a priviledge actually. Don't let the works of God be undone by anything or anybody, let it never be. Instead, pursue holiness and purity, for that garment of holiness and purity is more worthy than anything you can find in this world, don't trade it in for the pleasures of this world that's temporal.

once again, thanks for everything! you guys have brought me laughter, tears and a life so enriched that i'll never trade it in for anything. People Of Worship, Evangelism & Revival, Mature & Multiply!



You made the sky so vast, so big, just to give me a glimpse of Your Majesty

all the oceans and the seas put together would only show the world a trickle of Your deep love

even the diamonds and every precious stone placed together can never compare to Your glory

and eternity
You've made eternity because even centuries and zillion of years will not be enough for us to fellowship

how can i stand in Your presence and not be touched by You?
how can i not be in awe of Your great love, surrounded by the wonder of Your glory?

and i will keep on singing on and on and on for You my King, let my life be a sweet sweet song unto Your Name

all the days of my life, let every fibre, every cell that's within me praise Your Holy Name. let every breath that's within me sing You the song that You deserve... forever...

It's...over. My last lap of journey is over just like that and i'm moving onto a new lap, a new phase. Perhaps it still hasn't sink in, the reality of moving onto the phase hasn't really sink in... Maybe coz i'm still stuck between the old and the new planes.

But i'm still moving on, moving onto the journey of revival. The words in my dream sometime ago still echo... "Don't stop praying for revival" It keeps ringing in my ears and cause me to press on, to press on... to pray on till revival hits. I'm moving on, onto a new journey that's gonna be more exciting, where God is awaiting and beckoning me. The vision never dies, it lives on... it lives on so long as God lives on...

Still my heart aches... wanna say "take care, see ya tomorrow","see ya next week"...wanna say "don't worry, we'll pray through together till the breakthrough comes" no longer am i entitled to say these. Instead, it's been replaced by "take care, see ya the next time we meet"

I'm moving on, i choose to move on. no matter the heart aches, the pain... no turning back but to follow You on the path that You've set before me.

Even though what's been said or done pierce my heart through and through, still... i'll choose to love You.



Healer
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all i need

Part of the lost generation is staying under the same roof as me. this is a truth that i've never given much thought about but hits me real hard 2 weeks ago. had a conversation with my sis about her exams and she moved on and spoke so casually about the life ahead of her, the route that's already mapped out, a future that's actually bleak and hopeless in many singaporeans' perspective. my jaw dropped and my heart sank. doesn't those words she spoke sound familiar? it's the same words of those unbelieving youths without Christ in their lives. it's the kinda thing that a normal youth without an inkling of God, destiny and calling would say. and it hit me real hard. i've prayed for the lost generation, cried for those who hadn't come to The Lord yet, but i've never really given much thought that "hey! the lost generation consists of my dad, mum, brother and sisters too!"

my heart wrenches with the thought of my family slipping into hell, my head swims as i wonder what would i tell The Lord on the judgement day when He asked why my family ain't with me in heaven? what would i say? i can't afford to be accountable for them then, i gotta start being accountable for their lives now. my heart is heavy with a new burden, the burden of the lost generation within...

think that the lost generation is "outside"? think again, they may be living under the same roof as you.

1 Kings 18:41-45 "Then Elijah said to Ahab, "Go up, eat and drink; for there is the sound of abundance of rain." So Ahab went up to eat and drink. And Elijah went up to the top of Carmel; then he bowed down on the ground, and put his face between his kness, and said to his servant, "Go up now, look toward the sea." So he went up and looked, and said, "There is nothing." And seven times he said, "Go again." Then it came to pass the seventh time, that he said, "There is a cloud, as small as a man's hand, rising out of the sea!" So he said, "Go up, say to Ahab, Prepare your chariot, and go down before the rain stops you." Now it happened in the meantime that the sky became black with clouds and wind, and there was a heavy rain. So Ahab rode away and went to Jezreel."

the miracle of the rain

the road home may be long and winding. it's an ardous and difficult journey. but blessed are those who press on toward the prize at the end of the road. (phil3:14) i want to press on and reach the end coz i want to go home.

jesus is the driver and i'm just the passenger. i want to tell of stories yet untold in this adventure back home, stories of a sojourner on earth.

Mia Fieldes-There's a Reason